July 1st marks the beginning of disability pride month. Being fairly new to the disability scene on social media until about two days ago I had no idea that disability pride month was a real thing. It makes sense that we have months like black history month and LGBT+ pride month but for some reason I had never heard of disability pride month.
It got me thinking ‘am I proud to be disabled?’ Seeing everyone celebrating disability pride month is made me feel obliged to be proud but when I actually took a step back from social media and reflected on who I am, I realised generally I’m not proud of being disabled. It upset me that for some reason everyone else in the community was talking about how genuinely proud they were to be a part of the community and there I was thinking ‘why am I not not proud?’.
It hit me. I suddenly knew why I wasn’t proud. I had no love for the label ‘disabled’ because all through my life it had had negative connotations. It was always something that was ‘medically wrong’ and socially difficult to deal with. I was never at peace with it being a part of my identity. Another reason I had struggled to find pride in my cerebral palsy is the fact that I had no control over it, I could never suppress it or control it, it was something I had no choice but to wear on my sleeve. I have also found that in my own head I find myself always thinking ‘I’m too disabled for this’ or ‘I’m not disabled enough for that’ and the constant mental battle means that I’m never fully satisfied with the way my disability is. I sometimes feel like I’m an imposter when I go to events for people with disabilities and I’m the only one who isn’t in a wheelchair, however I feel like I’m always known as ‘the disabled one’ when I’m at events that aren’t specifically for disabled folk.
This is all in my mind though, the reality is I am disabled enough. I shouldn’t feel that I have to change myself to fit in. I know that secretly in the back of my mind, I’d rather be able bodied and that’s ok. As much as disability pride is beautiful and wonderful and so needed, I shouldn’t feel guilty that I’m not completely proud yet. Having pride in your disability is a journey and maybe the first step of that journey is to accept that I’m not totally proud right now. I’m going to set myself a goal, every day of July and every day beyond, I’m going to try and have a little more pride in my disability. I’m going to tear down the things that currently make me doubt and I’m going to embrace my disability to the fullest and I encourage you to do the same, whether you’re disabled or not, you’re enough and you deserve pride in yourself.
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